It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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