mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Vodka?
Forever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
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