They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
