O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
