I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize