i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
