we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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