my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
