My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
