If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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