Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize