I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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