sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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