I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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