I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
