So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize