Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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