I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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