True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
