he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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