saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
