Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
