so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
