Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
