Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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