I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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