i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
