conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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