Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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