I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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