How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
