Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
