if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You were trust falling into bushes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
