New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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