He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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