i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
