Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
