Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
