I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
