my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
