Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
