Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
