if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
