put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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