When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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