The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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