I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
