at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
