did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
