I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
