this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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