So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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