I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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