She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
