i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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