apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
