He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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