I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
