life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
