i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize