How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
