i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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