I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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