Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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