i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
