I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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