I wish my penis had an off switch
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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