She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize